There are two voices in my head fighting for control.
The two voices are my lower self and my upper self. The lower version of me is a critical companion as it is responsible for keeping me alive. Its singular focus is my survival. I call this me the “Lone Survivor.” It doesn’t care about anyone else, just me.
Lone Survivor
This version of me is usually the first to speak up and can be the loudest. It’s emotional, often irrational, and struggles to parse fact from fiction. When threats appear, real or perceived, it reacts aggressively to “defend” me. It cares about anything that might threaten my survival. From “Is there enough oxygen?” to “Am I fat?” to “What did my boss mean in that email?” The lone survivor is eager to blame others, play the victim, make excuses, and get defensive. But it gets worse.
The lone survivor whispers and sometimes shouts things that ignore my happiness, joy, and potential. Things like:
“Don’t worry, your son will understand you have to work late and will miss his game - even though it’s his last one ever,” or
“Take that job. It pays more. It doesn’t matter if you’re happy. People, parents, and society will admire you.” or
“You need a better title. What will you tell that frustratingly successful cousin over mashed potatoes next week?”
The lone survivor prioritizes personal survival and immediate gratification and operates with a scarcity mindset—there is not enough, so I need some of yours. When facing threats or stress, the lone survivor reacts aggressively with emotion and instinct.
Mantra: I must survive
Time frame: Now - immediate gratification
View of Resources: Scarce - there is not enough
Circle of Concern: Me
Perspective: I see it from my point of view, and I’m right
The Potential Seeker
Conversely, there is the Upper Self, the potential seeker.
This version of us doesn’t have its head in the sand; it sees threats, too. The difference is that it can plan, dream, create, and delay gratification. It doesn’t see others as threats but as “potential allies” in the effort to survive and win. It attempts to understand reality, control emotions, and respond thoughtfully and rationally with a focus on the “we, not me.”
Mantra: We must thrive
Timeframe: Long term - delay gratification
View of Resources: There’s enough if we work together
Circle of Concern: We, not just me
Perspective: Seeks different views to learn and find the truth
Two Important Tools
The potential seeker uses two essential tools - time and perspective. With time, you can shift between short-term and long-term views. Potential seekers can delay gratification and work in timelines that are years or decades. This view of time helps you consider the second or third-order effects of actions, think beyond immediate rewards, and invest in genuine relationships - not transactional ones.
The second is perspective shifting. In a meeting, the lone survivor sees things from their seat and is eager to share their viewpoint. While they’re doing that, they aren’t learning. The potential seeker gets up, goes to the other side of the table, and sits in someone else’s seat. They genuinely want to see things from their perspective. By changing seats, they can now see what was behind where they were sitting before. This might include their knowledge gaps, assumptions, biases, and blind spots.
Getting out of your seat takes action, walking to the other side of the table takes effort, and sitting in someone else’s seat requires commitment. The lone survivor stays seated, talks more, learns less, and cares about themselves. It’s not malicious; it’s survival. That’s fight-or-flight in action. Here are some other ways you might come across it.
In product development, the lone survivor builds what they think customers need. The potential seeker works to understand the customer’s pain and solve those problems. The lone survivor teacher lectures from the front but doesn’t move in and connect or remember what it’s like to be a novice.
The most dangerous part of being a lone survivor is that it can masquerade as a potential seeker. You think you are being rational, unemotional, and doing things “as they should,” “the right way,” or “in the best interest of some constituency,” but really, you are just trying to survive. We are “maintaining standards,” “following best practices,” “protecting stakeholder interest,” or some other rationalization we use at the expense of evolution. We see this in teams, culture, and leadership.
Leadership
Lone Survivor In Leadership
The lone survivor leader stays in their office, expects information to come to them, assumes they know best, and tries to control from afar. They protect status and resources, seek validation, and make decisions for self-preservation over mission—often subconsciously. Usually, these aren’t bad people. They are just trying to navigate politics, have lousy role models, or are desperately afraid of losing something.
Potential Seeker In Leadership
We are all leaders—just at different scales. Potential seekers face a paradox: they want to help the larger group, but moving from lone survivor to potential seeker requires prioritizing self.
I learned this the hard way. As we scaled our organization, the intensity was crushing. Demands from investors, teams, and customers kept me awake at night. I prioritized inbox, tasks, and work at the expense of relationships, sleep, and health. The lone survivor was driving.
I wasn't showing up for Princess Buttercup and my not-so-little barrel-chested freedom fighters. At work, I was firefighting with little patience. I looked like a zombie—minimal sleep, no exercise, and taking time to recharge. Once, I even told senior leaders I needed words of affirmation— it was lousy leadership.
Keeping the lone survivor at bay starts with self-care. That looks different for each of us. For me, it means 8 hours of sleep, quality time with my people, real exercise (not just checking the box), and solitude. I had to "Normalize No" at home and work to show up well for everyone.
When the potential seeker is driving, you are not defending your position, corner office, or stock options. Instead, you make decisions that make you and the team better. Here are a few practices to consider:
Prioritize Self-Care—Do the work to put the potential seeker in the driver's seat. Start with sleep.
Speaking is teaching, listening is learning. Know which mode serves the moment.
Time and perspective shifting—View situations from other seats and timeframes. Warning: Short-term decisions usually mean less pain, and admitting you’re wrong hurts. The lone survivor always minimizes pain.
Seek the truth—about yourself, the work, and how things actually are. Go where the work is happening.
Stop Trying to Prove Yourself—You usually don’t have enough information, experience, or context to be the omnipotent answer giver. That’s why you have a team.
The Impact on Culture
Every culture has elements of both lone survivor and potential seeker. Here are some behaviors that you might notice so that you can work to shift the culture.
In the lone survivor Culture:
Blames others
Thinks short-term for self-preservation
Makes fear-based, risk-averse decisions
Builds silos and barriers
Hoards information and resources
Hides mistakes and bad news
Controls and directs
Postures for power
Resists change
Operates with low trust, low truth
In the potential seeking culture:
Shares resources and information freely
Invests long-term in people and relationships
Takes shared ownership of success
Broadcasts mistakes to accelerate learning
Takes calculated risks together
Embraces evolution as survival
Values good answers over looking good
Prioritizes team and mission over self
Operates with high trust, high truth
Culture is the sum of our daily interactions, and as such, it is everyone's responsibility. Lone survivors dodge this, saying, "I just work here" or "I'm just trying to survive." When you hear yourself say these things, it's time to leave.
Because of their power, leaders have an outsized impact on culture. Their behavior defines what's acceptable. Show up late repeatedly? You've declared, "Respect doesn't matter." Consistently prioritize the mission over yourself, and that becomes a cultural expectation for everyone.
A leader's most damaging act is making truth-telling unsafe. When leaders take disagreement as criticism and react aggressively, teams shift to survival mode—telling leaders what they want to hear, not the truth.
The Irony
Humans began as lone survivors or small bands, hunting and gathering scarce resources. We started thriving only when we stopped surviving alone and built communities. Together, we developed culture, advanced technology, and extended life itself.
That's the irony: Working together increases individual survival.
You Won’t Always Do Your Best
Maybe you are thinking about the work you will start today to take care of yourself so you can show up. Or you’re remembering the things you’ve done wrong, the relationships you’ve lost, the wrong paths you’ve taken, or the lone survivor leaders that frustrate you. I’d suggest you hold those thoughts lightly. Julia Baird said,
Grace is…forgiving the unforgivable, favoring the undeserving, loving the unlovable…it is the ability to see good in the other, to recognize humanity, to tolerate difference and to continually plough lives, conversations and public debates with a belief that people can change, and that what we fight for is joy and beauty, as well as equality.
Often, the people around you are “just trying to survive” - literally. Maybe they are on the verge of losing something or someone important. Or the business they’ve poured everything into for years is almost out of cash. Or they have been fighting a battle they’ve unselfishly not made your problem. Give them grace.
And give yourself grace—for what has happened and what will happen. You can’t afford excuses, but you should give yourself grace. We are all flawed humans with biases, blind spots, fears, and sometimes trauma.
While we don’t always do the best we can, we usually try. Sometimes, a little grace is all we need to get back on the path towards our potential.
I hope you’re good.
Take care, Kelly
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