A dear friend recommended the book Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. It took me a year to read it, which was a waste of a year. This week I scrolled through my highlights and I feel compelled to share a few with you.
You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.
A sober friend once said to me, “When I was still drinking, I was a sedated monster. After I got sober, I was just a monster.” He told me about his monster. His sounded just like mine without quite so much mascara. When people shine a little light on their monster, we find out how similar most of our monsters are. The secrecy, the obfuscation, the fact that these monsters can only be hinted at, gives us the sense that they must be very bad indeed. But when people let their monsters out for a little onstage interview, it turns out that we’ve all done or thought the same things, that this is our lot, our condition. We don’t end up with a brand on our forehead. Instead, we compare notes.
On a bad day you also don’t need a lot of advice. You just need a little empathy and affirmation. You need to feel once again that other people have confidence in you.
We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It’s like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can’t stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.
As part of my job, I’ve had hundreds, if not thousands, of opportunities to hear people’s stories. They have been generous in sharing. Here’s what I’ve learned.
The narratives vary, but the stories are strikingly similar when you peel away the layers and the armor. The parents who perceive themselves as not good enough, the young professionals who think they are behind in life, the mid-lifers that don’t think they did enough, or the leaders who are about to cave under pressure. Or, the countless people I’ve met that have beaten all the odds—going from nothing to being everything despite their fears, handicaps, and struggles.
While we are diverse, everyone is working through something—fear, loss, desire, love, failure, and even success. Someone you know is losing a loved one to illness, another is struggling with an addiction, someone else just lost their relationship, and another isn’t sleeping because someone in their life is in pain.
Others are waking up wondering how they got so lucky, with a slight tinge of, “I hope I don’t screw it up.” Still others had the courage to pursue their path, not the one their parents or society wanted for them. They are still fighting a struggle.
People have reasons for their actions—or inactions. Sometimes these reasons are rational, sometimes they aren’t, but in the moment, they usually make sense.
This week, I’m reminding myself that everyone has a story, and understanding those stories helps us understand each other. I’m thinking about how my relationships and friendships would change if I went even deeper. I know I still throw up walls and don’t always listen. I can be better.
We won’t always fully understand everyone, and that’s okay. What matters is that we keep trying and remember to be kind and empathetic. Everyone is worth getting to know. After all, we’re all just stories—hoping someone will listen.
I hope you’re good.
Take care, Kelly
PS: Here are my highlights from Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
PPS: Thanks again for the recommendation. You know who you are. I’ll listen more carefully next time.
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