"The professional prepares mentally to absorb blows and to deliver them. They aim to take what the day gives them. They are prepared to be prudent and prepared to be reckless, to take a beating when they have to, and to go for the throat when they can. They understand that the field alters every day. Their goal is not victory (success will come by itself when it wants to) but to handle themself, their insides, as sturdily and steadily as they can." (Steven Pressfield, The War of Art)
I have a fun game that I like to play with people that I want to know better. It goes like this: You get to invite any four people, living or dead, to a meal. Through some magic, you all speak the same language. We pick a location to set the stage. Maybe a waterside cottage, a first-class lounge of a Pam Am flight, a dacha in a former Soviet republic, or a campfire deep in the Andes. While I shift my dinner mates each time, one almost always makes my list.
My Pick
“I am the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell; I forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better.”
Twenty years later, the same man would say,
“Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”
President Lincoln would hold together a fracturing country, abolish slavery, and become the most important leader of the 19th century. He was born into poverty, lost his mother at 9, and had almost no formal education. He would tame his demons and shape all of our lives.
Imagine the pressure leading through the Civil War. The fear, uncertainty, doubt, and criticism. The voices? The long nights lying awake thinking about his mistakes, questioning his competence, and worrying about the future. I’d have so many questions for him.
How did you stay rational while your desk was filled with problems with no solution? How did you have the courage to build a team of men who were your bitter rivals just months before? How did you get them to work together? What told you to bet on an alcoholic General? You sent men and women to their deaths knowingly - over and over again. How did you live with that? The future of a free country was your responsibility, and at times, it seemed hopeless. Yet, you succeeded. All the while, you were dancing with that most devious of devils, depression. Tell me, Mr. President, how did you manage your mind? How did you not quit?
I imagine he will repeat a line he’s used before,
“I was just an instrument. The army did the work.”
The Hardest Thing
I’ve been studying and stumbling through leadership for 25 years. It’s only been in the last three years that I’ve learned that my ability to manage my psychology is the most impactful thing to unlock my potential as a leader and a human.
Not everyone has a mental illness as serious as depression, but we all struggle with something. Your first task is to get and keep your head straight. This is particularly true for leadership. If we can’t do that, we won’t be able to do the other things well.
Things will go wrong - your best performer will quit, you won’t be able to make payroll, your kid will do really bad kid stuff, and a lawsuit will land on your desk - maybe all in the same day. Our choices are often between bad and worse. Our teams need our calm and clarity, not our stress-induced imagination.
What work must you do to show up psychologically ready for your humans? To lead with empathy, humility, and clarity - to be decisive when there is no good answer. Only you can answer this, no one else. You may need sleep, a therapist (I see one), or exercise.
If you want to live up to your potential, you have to do the inside work. This is the hardest work.
Where would we be if President Lincoln didn’t do the inside work?
Questions to ask yourself:
What are your biggest fears? We are usually afraid of the loss of resources or status. It can keep us from taking risks or seeing the truth. Regrets and worry are a misuse of your imagination. It’s time travel. Don’t time travel.
Are you worried about what people think? Stop worrying about what people think about you. They aren’t thinking about you. Don’t let actual embarrassment or potential embarrassment hold you back.
Are you in shape? I mean mental shape. To find our optimal mental fitness, we must not lose sight of our physical fitness. This is not about marathons and pushups - this is about energy.
Are you giving yourself space? When you’re triggered by stress, breathe. Breathing increases the amount of oxygen in your brain. It also provides you time to respond, not react.
It took President Lincoln a lifetime to become the leader we study. Your work will take your lifetime, too. Be intentional about your efforts to manage your mind. If you get that right, you will unlock abilities you can’t see today.
In the meantime, when it starts going wrong, don’t forget you’ve survived 100% of the bad things that have happened to you. Breathe. Stay calm. Stay strong. Focus on what you can control and do the next right thing.
We all have to actively work on the hardest thing - managing our minds.
Let’s not do it alone.
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-Kelly
The Hardest Thing