I have a thing about station wagons: big ones, small ones, dark ones, light ones, and particularly dog-filled ones. When I see one, I get distracted from whatever I’m doing. Make, model, and other questions whiz by. What’s driving this?
On the way to dinner with Princess Buttercup, we got into one. I started fantasizing about how great life would be if I had one. The absurdity of my happiness connected to a car helped me realize there have been a lot of station wagons in my life. Grandma’s black one, granddad’s big brown one, and then there was Paco’s giant yellow submarine.
I remember Paco’s workhorse filled with tools, scuba gear, and dogs. We’d drive on the left on that little island and rumble through corners on a bench seat, hoping a tourist wasn’t around the bend confused they were back on the mainland. I still hear Paco’s foot click the switch on the floor. This marvel of 1970s technology engaged the bright lights. Pre-teen me loved that sound. Click-click. Click-click.
Granddad’s brown one overflowed with big dogs. Big brown and white dogs. They were often wet with big slobber and even more hair. Those smells bring back grandad’s smile and mornings with buttered raisin toast. Those are happy smells.
Still going through cross-town traffic, I realized why I wanted a station wagon. It’s deep, it’s emotional, and it’s been with me for a long time. It’s memories. It’s the sand-filled floorboards, dog hair swirling with the open windows, or that last drive to dinner with grandma. Maybe I think a station wagon will bring them back into my life, if only for a moment.
Where do desires come from?
Our desire to work someplace, be something, or go somewhere? Why do we want those clothes, that car, that house, that job, that title, that person, or those commas in our bank account?
Our desires aim to fill our lives with something we perceive as missing. Often our desires are driven by seeing what others have or do. Our ability to mimic others is deep in our DNA. If they are ‘successful,’ they have a better chance of surviving, and I want what they have too. Sometimes that means we do things we shouldn’t. Or try to be people we shouldn’t. Don’t forget, just because you can win the game doesn’t mean you should play.
Happiness is the absence of desire.
Maybe one day, you and I will be able to eliminate desire. For me, that day is not today. As a first step, let’s work to understand our desires, their genesis, and how they shape our actions and emotions.
I want a station wagon because it connects me to half a dozen people no longer here.
Questions To Ask Yourself
Where are you blind?
What are the things in your life you are chasing and why?
What stories are you telling yourself?
What fears own you and are connected to something deep?
Do they exist because you are trying to cover up a scar, continue a narrative, or compensate for [fill in your blank]?
Digging in might help you recognize your why. Maybe you don’t change course, but at least you know why you’re going where you’re going - and that matters. Don’t blindly follow your desires, or worse, the desires put on you by others.
It’s okay to have desires. Just don’t let them own you. The more you want tomorrow, the less you can enjoy today.
All easier said than done.
Go gently, friend. Take care,
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Station Wagon Dreams