If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?
—EPICTETUS
A little one in our family was playing the other day. It was reckless in all the good ways. High energy and relentless in the pursuit of his interests. The world’s pressures, expectations of others, and worries of ‘what if’ have not burrowed in.
We view the world through the lens of our wounds and triumphs. It has been shaped over our life. That lens has been polished, scratched, cracked, and sometimes duck-taped back together.
Personality refers to the enduring characteristics and behavior that comprise a person’s unique adjustment to life.
The word adjustment is key. We have created our personality to handle the world - a mix of genetics, experiences, and perceptions. I think mine is a shell I use to deal with the world and get what I want. It also protects what I don’t want to lose — the wall I have created to defend the castle.
That is an incredible insight for me. I am who I have chosen to become - consciously or subconsciously. There is little about me that I cannot change with enough effort, thought, practice, and support. The parts holding me back from whatever I seek can be adjusted. The wonderful parts must be honored and preserved. There is almost nothing impossible.
“There are more things … likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” -Seneca
Understanding why you do what you do requires a willingness to slow down and ask the right questions. To try to see things for what they are, not what you imagine them to be. Respond, not react. There may be pain in your answers. Where there is pain, we usually get stronger.
_"Either pain affects the body (which is the body’s problem) or it affects the soul. But the soul can choose not to be affected, preserving its own serenity, its own tranquillity. All our decisions, urges, desires, aversions lie within. No evil can touch them." -Marcus Aurelius
My love language is words of affirmation. My need for words of affirmation comes from a place I’m only starting to uncover. Deep reflection, talking with friends and advisors, and getting real with myself helps to parse that out. Why does that matter?
The opposite of words of affirmation is criticism. My need for validation makes my ability to take criticism harder. I’ve found that the closer you are to me, the harder it is to take.
When I react to criticism, I stand on my castle and raise the draw drawbridge, trying to defend myself. The crazy part is it’s trying to protect me from words, not arrows. Usually, those words aren’t harmful either in intent or reality. Due to scratches in my lens, I react when I should respond. I see them as criticism from an enemy trying to storm the castle when it is often an accomplice trying to reinforce the foundation.
With my walls up, I can’t see or hear. I cower behind the parapet in fear that I am not good enough. When I respond, I don’t raise the drawbridge or hide behind my walls. I can see and hear. That leads to a better understanding of the people around me and myself. It’s hard. Sometimes it hurts. But it all seems to make more sense when we make space to respond to the world instead of reacting.
"Remember that to change your mind and to accept correction are free acts too. The action is yours, based on your own will, your own decision—and your own mind." -Marcus Aurelius
Considerations:
Respond, don’t react. Practically, take a breath. Breathe. Make space between the event and the response. Emotional responses are not objective.
Find Accomplices, Not Critics. This may be as simple as deciding that someone is sitting next to you in your castle instead of trying to storm it. That’s a decision.
Be An Accomplice. Everyone else has their stuff too. Everyone needs accomplices in their life. Try to get in their skin and, more importantly, be helpful. When we truly try to understand perspectives, everyone gets better. That energy will come back.
Remember, it all ends. Enjoy what you have, and work through what you don’t want. This, too, shall pass. If we look, we will usually find more people willing to help than hurt.
"Accordingly, some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all. We are in the habit of exaggerating, or imagining, or anticipating, sorrow." -Seneca
Take care,
Will you be my accomplice?